New Year’s Resolutions

Hello neglected blog, not sure why I’m still keeping this going when I obviously suck at it, but there is some reason and so I will let it be until it completely runs it course.

I’ve been so busy with work that I haven’t had time to update.  Work is something that I both resent and am grateful for.  Not just the paycheque, but the way it consumes me and keeps me out of the black holes of melancholy I fall into.

I haven’t been winning at life.  There are things that need to change, and I’m going to try to identify each individual nugget of shit that’s keeping me down.  I’m going to start with the practical and work my way up to the conceptual.

Practical.

1. Go to bed on time.  Being a natural night owl, I get my energy later and have trouble shutting down for the night.  Invariably I wake up feeling like crap and sleepwalk through my days.  Having the energy to more than just get through a day would enrich my life.

2. Watch my pennies.  Money, student loan debt, and the fear of poverty keeps me anxious, feeling trapped, and afraid to take risks. 

3. Spend way less time on the internet.  I think I got seduced by social media, thinking that it was a way to connect, only to realize it only truly reflects how much you connect in real life.  Numerous fractured anonymous personae and chronic information gathering serve no real purpose.  Ironically, I write to my blog.  Granted I think that blogging is a more active form of internetting and not the devil.  The devil is the hours whiled away in front of the computer reading internet minutiae.  Its sad that I know what rikrolling is.  I’m killing all internet accounts I don’t use regularly, and combine things I use for tracking info into evernote.  The internet is just not working for me.

4. I need to socialize more.  My past years of hermitage, while  destructive to my social connections, were not entirely bad as I learned to deal with my problems by myself, I learned to love being alone, I found some balance, was able to concentrate on work, hobbies, and housecleaning, and I became less needy.  But um, now I need to figure out how to balance social life with my work and hobbies.

Less Practical

5. Curb my anxiety.  I rarely get through a day without some bout of stress, and after years of this, it can’t be good for my health.  I still need to figure out how.  I think deep breathing and talking myself out of each individual bout will help.

5. I must stop being a jerk to myself.  So what if I’m ugly and ordinary.  Most people are ugly and ordinary but manage to love and live.

6.  Romantic rejection does not mean that I am unworthy.

More Conceptual

7. Everyone has their path.  I chose to concentrate on my career, rather than my social life, or a nomadic life, or family life.  I often envy other people’s paths, but they likewise often gave up something for something.

8. The past is past.  Give up regret.

9. Stop comparing my experiences to what they should be and just experience.

10. Stop hoping to achieve validation through my goals.  Do things because I want to, no less.